Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
