these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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