you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
