Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drake has all the answers
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
