someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
