I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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