she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
