I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
