He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
