he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
