Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
