When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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