My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She said her name was "party"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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