the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im holly from the hills drunk
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
