the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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