and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
