Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
