Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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