A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
