i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't deserve a penis
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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