I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
