the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
