...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
