guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We are all done wearing pants today
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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