I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We left the knife in your bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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