omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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