im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
