its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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