final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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