I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
