i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
