I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
