im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
