I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
