I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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