but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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