you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
