did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
