I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
