I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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