So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
