You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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