I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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