found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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