i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
