Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
