i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
