Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
