Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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