Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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